It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Wikigenius
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood