It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My dad.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.