It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.