It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
📽️movie date🎞️
Breaking news:
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Note to self: always read the final line
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at