It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
ouch
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less