It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.