@GoneFishingYo In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
@inojperez “It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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@GoneFishingYo 
@SortaBad 9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
@MauriceBlitz I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
@ch000ch ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
@jojipaints Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
@juicymorsel I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
@iMikosnyc Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
@donnie_fairburn I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
@bridger_w Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
@jakelikesnaps Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk