@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

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@SortaBad

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@ch000ch

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

@jojipaints

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@donnie_fairburn

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

@bridger_w

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

@jakelikesnaps

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk