“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

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9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?


I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”


ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously


Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.


Picture me eating dinner.
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.


I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss


Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed


Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk