It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
How dude HOW?!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”