It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.