“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m listening
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A