its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵