It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…