It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.