It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9