“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I am yelling
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something