@PetrickSara

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

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@Book_Krazy

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

@henriabuya

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@Browtweaten

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

@Home_Halfway

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.