It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

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This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.


“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”


If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.


“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.


I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.


“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”


friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive


[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]


Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!