@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

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@SomeChrisTweets

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

@UnFitz

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

@jlock17

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

@aparnapkin

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

@shutupmikeginn

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!