It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.