Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”