“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Monday
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I just ran a .003048K
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.