It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing