“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right