@un_d_ciphered

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

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@batkaren

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@AndyAsAdjective

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@jordan_stratton

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

@gmossii

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

@noog

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.