“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)


My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.


“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.


WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.


The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.


My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.


Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.