“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good