It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
bugs when you lift up a rock
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
blocked.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
oppen heimer style lol
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.