Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.