it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
me opening up to someone
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*