Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
(2022)
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”