It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
How do you milk an almond?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy