It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.