It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I like crazy people until they notice me
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue