Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Looking at you, Jesus.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
i love meeting boys on tinder
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.