It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“No way.” -Jose
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.