It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.