It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.