It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.


Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*


I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.


The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.


[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.


My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that


May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor