It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
my name if I was in the mob
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Awwwww shit.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75