It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist