It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.