It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.