It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics