@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

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@MavenofHonor

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

@ItalianBratikus

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

@Kyle_Lippert

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@jifrulz

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@Jassar8000

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@GlennyRodge

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?