@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

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@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@sixfootcandy

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.