it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.