It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
mariah carrie