it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.