It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Interior design 👌
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.