It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

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“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.


My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.


Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough


me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick


One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”


Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*


I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.


[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.