It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.


me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.


“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag


The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire


My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.


*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”



“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.


In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.