@TaylorComedy
@Steadi_lady “I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
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@Steadi_lady 
@sarcasticmommy4 My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
@HushJared Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
@GrantTanaka me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
@Eatingmeals One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
@AaronFullerton Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
@paddyraffcomedy When you try jalapeños for the first time
@missekay *decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
@JoParkerBear I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
@Tmoney68 [Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.