it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”