Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.