@Sanbel11

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

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@jollyrobber

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

@BuckyIsotope

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

@anerdonfire2

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@mrjohndarby

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

@sofarrsogud

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

@cupcakelynda

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.