It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
pep talk
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.