It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m not drunk enough for this
I’m too drunk for this
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine