It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
work smarter, not harder
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff