@MommaUnfiltered

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

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@TheBoydP

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

@gobmentcheese

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@LlamaInaTux

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@clichedout

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of