It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me, too, girl. me, too.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me after drinking all the wine:
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice