It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look