It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.