It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.