It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.